by Jolyn Low
Searching for cheap air tickets because I want to attempt solo tripping in my month back home in December but I realise that the northern hemisphere is cold, which I am shit at dealing with. I am also semi-terrified about the prospect of being an awkward potato in social situations, and asking strangers about how to get to places because I am shy.
I was babbling to my Mom in Chinese because god forbid someone understands what I’m bitching about, and I cussed (in Chinese) and my Mom found it amusing and laughed.
I find that university makes relationships go awry very easily. Or, to put it in better words, the uncertainty of the future and the lack of constant contact because it is an awful lot of effort to keep giving attention when one has so many other (more pressing) things to focus on. The only way I can see it work out is in the scenario of being in the same university or in close living proximity, with a clear view of what the future holds (ie no grossly incompatible futures). And whilst listening to the people I care about I find myself biting my tongue more often than not because I hate seeing that unsettled emotional state in someone else.
But perspectives are often very skewed, and to be frank despite having the capacity to remember a lot of useless shit I cannot recount many experiences with confidence. So basically whilst being objective I started reflecting and finding a lot of fault in myself. I realise that I might have a lot of self-loathing for a lot of things that I did in the past. Regardless of whatever I thought/felt, it really doesn’t justify lashing out. But, whatever, right as long as everyone is happier now. Far better to be labelled a psycho bitch than anything else.