I tend to spend a lot of time daydreaming and pondering the future – making five year and ten-year plans that are never ever really set in stone. I kind of envy those who are very sure of where they will be, to the extent that they are committing to things that I doubt that I’ll ever get a chance to consider. The Singapore dream of BTO-ing, getting married and whatever comes next seems pretty damn unlikely to happen to me.
To be very frank I do not see the point in working so hard for nothing. I am going to lead a mediocre life.
In the recent days, I have also been pondering the value of life quite a bit more as I’ve been reflecting on the several times I’ve gotten into dangerous situations and had lady luck on my side.
In the past year, I’ve driven home countless times past midnight when exhausted and badly sleep deprived. I’ve made insane road trips at the worst of times and somehow not died along the miles of country roads. Neither have I suffered from much with the recent break-in, even though things could’ve gone wrong very quickly.
I read the stories about how people my age lose their lives in unforeseen circumstances and wonder if I would ever have my name plastered online or in the daily newspaper. Should that ever happen – I wonder if there is a purgatory. I would like to see myself through someone else’s eyes. I hope it appears to be better than what I perceive every day. Something better than self-hatred would be nice.
I had what I thought were several ‘deep’ thoughts throughout the day but really, it’s not much of a revelation nor does it bring much comfort in addressing them. My throat kind of itches to the point where I went straight for the coldest drink I had once I got back after midnight. It’s getting cold in Perth again – 14 degrees at night is a comforting range to be in again. My only gripe is that it makes my car windows fog up a bit too much for my liking, and it’s not easy to manage at times.
I feel like life is snowballing with a bunch of things that I’ve missed or not done perfectly like forgetting to press the submit button on an essay and getting feedback for work, which I am terrified for. I never really feel like I am helping people at times because of how tricky it can be to manage classes with huge differences in knowledge and proactiveness. Frankly speaking, I find it challenging and I am struggling to balance my studies with the 10,000 other things that are going on in my life. And at this point in my life, it seems sad to say but I find the need to maintain a GPA > 3.5 to be quite a pressing thing. I am not blessed with the convenience of being born in another country, which I do not want to be but it would make my chosen pathway much easier.
My closest friend and I often keep each other ‘in the loop’ on how things are panning out in terms of our goals and the steps we are taking to get there. I don’t find that we lack the attitude nor the aptitude to get there with our ambition, but there comes a point where one will ask themselves if it’s worth the frustration and strife that comes with a determination to excel. I categorise the general progression in my longer-term goals into two bits, which are basically ‘controllable’ and ‘non-controllable’. There are several factors that come into play as with anything, and I am resigned that some of my closer-to-heart desires are not really malleable or tangible things. Whilst I concede that there are things that one can do to improve one’s circumstances as with anything, I am tired of putting in so much effort to shape my life into what I want it to be.
I can put in all the effort to get great grades, rack up work experience in several fields and maintain a semblance of a social life but I cannot guarantee myself that I shall ever make it at the level I would like to. Further exacerbating this already challenging goal, I have conflicting desires of wanting to work as a general practitioner for it allows me to really help people and animals in a tangible way. Even more laughably – I would like to settle down for work is a means to an end and I will eventually tire of going home to solitude and nothingness. But this does not mean that I will settle for someone who is conveniently there; and nor shall I build relationships on sand and wait around for the rain to wash it away. I will walk away from anyone who isn’t compatible or willing to work things out despite how much it will hurt myself. And therefore this is an ‘uncontrollable’ that will probably cause the status quo to be maintained for a long while yet.
I think that euthanasia is often a kindness bestowed upon animals. But at the same time, I can’t imagine the day I have to walk into a room and do it. How do you deal with someone else’s grief? I’ve learnt stupid-kind phrases like “take care” and how to write sympathetic phrases but really, does it help?
I hope that I never get desensitised and become unsympathetic to someone else’s plight. Or stop trying to bring some light and warmth wherever I may go.
Then again from experience being nice is a gamble that I am sometimes unwilling to take. Paging assertive angry me that will spite and step on anyone in my way.
I’ve been having the worst week. There was an exam in which I had to score 90% to pass on Monday. (Which I just found that I did phew) I’m still suffering from random phases of abdominal pain. And I’m sleep deprived and falling behind on my work with no possible resolution in sight.
Tomorrow – today actually, I have a 20 percent essay due which is not up to my standards but I cannot do more with my drained mind, a graded class participation tutorial, and 3 hours of learning how to do a clinical exam on cows. The thought of it makes me want to die because I am afraid and weak.
My work is cut out for me – there is another mid-semester next week, and I have about a million and one emails going on in 4 different accounts that I have to juggle for both uni, club stuff and work places. I’m not done with the quizzes due next week either. And I’m falling hopelessly behind and into my little pit of despair because I am working on Saturday and have no break. I am never ever ‘on top of’ my work because I am only ever scraping through and gaming the system in hopes of HDs. Which has worked, but how long, really, can I keep this up?
They say that your 20s are made for rash decisions and going all out in work or play because you’re still young and you have the energy to do so. I kinda just want to fast-forward to the part where I magically graduate and become a good vet that people appreciate. And then to the part where I say that I have lived on my terms and that I tried my best. And that would have to be enough because that’s really all I think we humans can ever do.
I will abhor sycophants till the end of my days.
I also think that my body is failing me as of late. I cried after visiting the doctor because it was so useless and of no help at all. So I’m supposed to live with abdominal discomfort and running for the toilet which severely impacts my quality of life imo and only go back in if it doesn’t subside in 2 days. I might as well shoot myself if I don’t get better – I have work and an exam on Monday, not to mention a paper due on Wednesday. Do I look like I have time to be anything other than in the pink of health?