17.

I had what I thought were several ‘deep’ thoughts throughout the day but really, it’s not much of a revelation nor does it bring much comfort in addressing them. My throat kind of itches to the point where I went straight for the coldest drink I had once I got back after midnight. It’s getting cold in Perth again – 14 degrees at night is a comforting range to be in again. My only gripe is that it makes my car windows fog up a bit too much for my liking, and it’s not easy to manage at times.

I feel like life is snowballing with a bunch of things that I’ve missed or not done perfectly like forgetting to press the submit button on an essay and getting feedback for work, which I am terrified for. I never really feel like I am helping people at times because of how tricky it can be to manage classes with huge differences in knowledge and proactiveness. Frankly speaking, I find it challenging and I am struggling to balance my studies with the 10,000 other things that are going on in my life. And at this point in my life, it seems sad to say but I find the need to maintain a GPA > 3.5 to be quite a pressing thing. I am not blessed with the convenience of being born in another country, which I do not want to be but it would make my chosen pathway much easier.

My closest friend and I often keep each other ‘in the loop’ on how things are panning out in terms of our goals and the steps we are taking to get there. I don’t find that we lack the attitude nor the aptitude to get there with our ambition, but there comes a point where one will ask themselves if it’s worth the frustration and strife that comes with a determination to excel. I categorise the general progression in my longer-term goals into two bits, which are basically ‘controllable’ and ‘non-controllable’. There are several factors that come into play as with anything, and I am resigned that some of my closer-to-heart desires are not really malleable or tangible things. Whilst I concede that there are things that one can do to improve one’s circumstances as with anything, I am tired of putting in so much effort to shape my life into what I want it to be.

I can put in all the effort to get great grades, rack up work experience in several fields and maintain a semblance of a social life but I cannot guarantee myself that I shall ever make it at the level I would like to. Further exacerbating this already challenging goal, I have conflicting desires of wanting to work as a general practitioner for it allows me to really help people and animals in a tangible way. Even more laughably – I would like to settle down for work is a means to an end and I will eventually tire of going home to solitude and nothingness. But this does not mean that I will settle for someone who is conveniently there; and nor shall I build relationships on sand and wait around for the rain to wash it away. I will walk away from anyone who isn’t compatible or willing to work things out despite how much it will hurt myself. And therefore this is an ‘uncontrollable’ that will probably cause the status quo to be maintained for a long while yet.

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