I just want to fast forward about 5 years or so till when I’m 27 and more than capable of the things that I would love to do. And most definitely skip all the hard parts and growing pains in between because screw turning 22 in the midst of 3 exams in about 2.5 weeks time. It’s the good-for-nothing age where technically (if I’d gone for a traditional course), I could be out making peanuts but I’m nowhere close to achieving the Singaporean dream of being happily attached and BTO-ing in the near future.
It’s like I’m sandwiched in between studying hard whilst slightly desiring a more relaxed and chill life. But it’s not like I meet any criteria for either – not high flyer enough and not that domestic. And I’m way too young (or not really) to be thinking about things like settling down and kids. I don’t even have a partner to settle down with so what’s the point.
On that note, I have been thinking that there has to be a better way of finding a suitable significant other. It’s like pure attraction or good intentions aren’t enough, but then how the hell are you supposed to find out if a person with abc qualities matches your xyz. Like, is there a more efficient and effective way of doing it instead of the stupid texting then underwhelming meetup and sitting in silence and looking at phones. I fucking hate sitting in silence and looking at phones.
I started vet school with the intent that I would make it out alive in 5 years time and settle down in 10. In this year alone I have been in more near death situations than ever before. Last night I was driving home in a terrible storm and had to take several detours. There were moments when I could barely see through my windscreen and felt my car drift because of the winds. In the past semester, I almost snapped my wrist whilst dealing with a cow and came out bleeding badly. I have literal physical scars on my hands and legs from my dealings with animals and whilst I don’t blame them I find that I have suffered so much emotionally as well.
I am almost halfway there and it feels like a bloody marathon that never ends. I was seriously entertaining the thought of graduating at the end of this year with a bachelor’s of science and becoming a teacher but how can I give up when things like surgery and hands-on practicals are so tangible and within reach in 8 months time?
I want to say that I am excelling but I am not. I’ve grown but it seems like I’m not meeting the benchmarks that I am setting for myself, which makes me unconfident and sad.
I wish that I was winning more as of late. And I wonder if I have bitten off more than I can really chew.
I just wish to reiterate to myself that my grades do not define my future. And that I will definitely make mistakes as I go along. What matters is that I learn from them and don’t commit them again.
I live for the days without plans, wandering about doing my favourite things with no other care. Yesterday was the best – vetting rabbits, eating IKEA meatballs, collecting toxic plants before a mini road-trip where we sampled liquor, chocolate, cheese and wines. After which was more plant collection, musings about living in HDB-priced houses that look perfect in the more far away suburbs, getting the best Korean beef soup in the city, waiting for an hour for bubble tea and karaoke in the car to Disney and 2000s hits.
I honestly doubt that any day could have been more carefree and exhilarating. It was a break that I didn’t know that I had needed that badly and I am glad for the day away from everything else. It kind of carried over to today when I got the rest of my life back in order and went to the gym before buying a shit load of food because I can, making roast pork, cleaning and doing light work before the week ahead. I predict the week ahead to be hectic and a much needed week to catch up on many things. I wish for this semester to be over ASAP and I’ll be that much closer to becoming a vet. This month marks the almost-halfway point of my degree – I will get there!
On another musing, I feel like I have changed so immensely over the past two years. And not just looks-wise. I am confident(-ish) in my abilities and know my way around animals and people alike. Vetting rabbits and performing clinical examinations on cows is do-able and a far cry from me struggling with cattle in year one. Not that I don’t struggle; I do. I just find it amazing how far I’ve come and grown – in the past year, even.
I am aiming for the stars but all I wish to be, at the end of the day, is to be a person doing good for animals and for people alike. That, and being able to have spontaneous adventures with good food and people I love around me would make me a very happy person indeed.