This evening I reached my car on autopilot mode and had a cold slice of pizza from the free one I managed to snag from the common room. I was hungry and incredibly drained for I had spent the previous two nights getting up at 4am for work. Up to today I still do not regret my work, and I find it incredibly rewarding. But I always wonder if there is a better alternative; a more carefree and yet beneficial position to have but I think that I am doing okay.
Someone asked me if I have cried over my studies before and I said that I hadn’t. Simply because I had entered this year mentally prepared for the jump from the first, and I had experienced the worst kind of helplessness and prevailed. This is not to say that I don’t experience any stress at all; that’s a lie. I still study and try but I do not beat myself up over things that I do not know, and neither do I panic at the thought of learning what appears to be an insurmountable amount of information. And hell, if a competitive streak keeps me in the game I’d play it to my best.
Instead, I think I cry over the more sentimental things. Beneath the usual coldness and apathy lie my sensitive and human bits. And I cry when I feel sad, when people cry over their losses and when I am tired.
I just wish to not feel tired all the time.
I have decided to combine two weeks’ updates into one, for I genuinely do not have the time or the energy. My 2.5 hour drive was a safe albeit exhausting one. And I came back to hundreds of notifications, the horror.
I have spent the past week on a farm with absolutely no connection to the world, in which I find relief. I have had the time to mull over the past, run away from the present, sleep for 9 hours every night and dream vividly. I have even managed to read a book in the midst of it. The days here are hard but are fantastic; I feel more confident in my sheep handling abilities than I’ve been in ages. And to think that it has only been a little over a year since I have first learnt how to handle them. Now, I catch flyblown sheep from a herd of 200, tip each and every one I need to and wrestle them about. But I still get soft over the lambs, think of their perspective when they get shorn and pity the poor animals sometimes. I don’t get too caught up over how each and every animal is treated. And I like the gore and am realistic to a fault. But I still find myself feeling great empathy for these animals – maybe this is the right career path for me after all.
I’ve had the most vivid and imaginative dreams; I can’t figure out if I welcome them or not. Or maybe I just don’t really care because I’m too tired trying to live my life to bother letting myself continue to feel hurt about failures. And to ponder or daydream about situations and possibilities that frankly seem impossible because I have learnt, more than anyone, to be hard and incredibly sensible and realistic.
When the television ads come on for some kind of diet milkshake, I said that I didn’t like the ad for it portrayed female figures that are impossible to obtain for the everyday woman. And that it made me take a hit to the self esteem. I do not doubt that I am skinny and not (too) hideous. But literally every other female in the room agreed with me, that it made them feel like shit. I hate how a bit of my mind wonders if — it is because I am not beautiful enough, or born with a lack of femininity. But I think that it is about time I gave my soul a break from the toxicity of the world and just lived according to my rules for a bit.
This week was a wonderful escape from the general shit fest of the world. And I am glad that I got to spend it this way. Also, surprise surprise, I did not study a bit for the past week. Or think about uni in general. This is incredibly liberating but I don’t quite welcome going back to society for just a bit longer. I wish.
Week 1 has passed and I find myself grasping at straws, desperately trying not to get burnt out. After my first day of uni I came home and studied quite seriously. It was not me being a perfectionist or an overachiever, but because I literally cannot afford to fall behind. Some of my classmates are insanely experienced (with previous degrees and years of practical working experience) and motivated and I just don’t take myself quite that seriously most of the time. Which isn’t a bad thing, really, because passes get you degrees but I just want a break from the whole vet school shebang every now and then.
The humdrum of farm pracs has ended and I have been feeling very lost as of late. Despite keeping myself busy with submissions, organising, cleaning, experimenting with cooking and preparing for the next 4 months of university I feel very bereft of any purpose. Perhaps it is burn out from the three weeks of pracs and running around doing hard work, all just to leave a good impression on others’ minds.
As with anything else, these past few weeks have been constantly changing faces and involved the drawing of more boundaries than ever. I don’t think that I was severely out of my comfort zone, but it was still a very valuable learning journey, as everything is.
I have gone from being deathly afraid of touching lizards and maggots to playing with them and handling them with no issues. I am also much more confident of working around cows and moving them around yards, and have stuck my hand into their uterus for the very first time. Horses have been a constant so it goes without saying that I was already quite confident with them. I was happy to work with them as well though. More importantly, I now feel more confident and comfortable about going to new places and meeting new people.
Despite this, I still feel very apprehensive about the start of uni. It honestly feels like high school again with the small cohort and having classes from 9.30-4.30 almost every day. I also don’t feel very prepared for the amount of material that will be taught, and I fear failure which I simply cannot afford. It is not very reassuring to have breezed through the year as with everyone else but be told that this year will be a very big leap from the previous. I really just want to pass.