I almost got scammed whilst trying to sell my car. People suck.
In 9 years, I think that I would like to live the white picket fence dream. And I hope that I get wrinkles in the corners of my eyes, and smile most of the time.
One Day They say that flowers bloom in the unlikeliest of places; and I agree for even grass grows in the fences of a cemetery. If the dead deserve flowers so should the estranged and lonely to be fair, but then weeds are rife in this sanctuary of my mind. If my sentimental soul could have things any other way, I would go back to the days and wish - that my soul stops grasping at the wisps of nothingness. Because it has been too long, and too little, a bit too late.
There has been a recent cold front despite the fact that it is now officially spring. And lo and behold, I awoke on Thursday to no wifi; I have literally spent 72 hours without it, and to be very honest it is not too bad to be disconnected from the world at all. I feel relieved, even, being uncontactable unless I so desired. I’d even forgotten to check Facebook, which is the go-to information site for all my going-ons in Perth.
My study break has been spent lazing, studying, going to the gym and doing stupid shit like getting a pair of guinea pigs. They are currently residing in an old drawer in my tiny room and I hope that I don’t die from an allergy overload. I have had a rather busy week – I haven’t had a quiet night in quite as long. But despite the erratic sleep schedule and walking dogs at 4am, it certainly felt rewarding seeing my charges get better and be discharged. At the same time, the sad irony is that despite all good intentions some efforts come in vain. I feel frustrated; but such is life. If there is anything my most pointless and hopelessly painful experiences have taught me it is that individual efforts don’t really matter in the big clusterfuck of the universe. And that it is okay to give up – on the things or people that are not meant to be.
What I really desire at the moment is for my wifi to come back on so that I can resume my idiosyncratic exploration on Tinder. Bored? Swipe right. Need attention? Chat somebody up. If only we approached something as inexplicably irrational as love and relationships with the same rationality we use to govern all other parts of our lives.
I find myself more exhausted than not these days. And I am so drained that I keep wondering if it is sustainable to go on this way because it feels extremely futile to try at all. I just want to help people, and animals, but I think that I forget to help myself at times too.
If we stay stagnant as the people we were, life would be dull indeed.
This week I ran a bad session, had a fantastic one and then somehow managed to survive parasitology lab. We ran faecal smears which were really stinky, and it was fun trying to taxonomically identify random objects. I went on a date, and somehow ran into an old friend along the way. I woke early and spent my weekend catching up with friends, cleaning and organising my life. Also, I finally got approval to go home over summer. Which is fantastic news!
This week was a week of many firsts for me. I started gymming regularly, attending group fitness sessions that have pushed me beyond whatever I have done in the past year. Also, on the work related front I have officially conducted my first ever group study sessions which is very exciting, but quite daunting because I worry that what I planned was not beneficial to my attendees. I do think that it went well though, for they seemed engaged and willing to come back next week. I take that as a tiny step in the right direction, for facilitation and running group sessions has never been my thing. I’ve always been too shy, too quiet to actually have any presence and command attention but I seem to have been going okay.
List of random life tips I’ve gathered from this week:
And that is all. I’ve been trying to be mindful, appreciating nice sunsets and rainbows when I see them. Waking up in the middle of the night because of a bad storm is no longer that terrible anymore.
“Perth is like a nice girlfriend. You don’t appreciate her until she’s gone.” – Someone who moved back to Singapore
I find myself irritated with my living situation more often than not. Deleted Instagram because I hated seeing things I didn’t want to see. I’ve recently gotten a gym membership at the university gym, and have been determined to work out. Whilst that means waking at 6.30am to reach the gym for a 7.30am session, and then attending 4 lectures back to back till afternoon before lab, it feels good to do whatever the hell I want.
I find myself finding reasons to avoid going home more often than not. Whilst I appreciate the easy access to cases and having people answer my most mundane questions, I feel tired of being at the mercy of someone else. All I want to do is to get my own place, or move into a more luxurious place.
I spent my past week solving sudoku puzzles, finishing The Legend of Korra, hiking and going for vet professional life camp. Being the extreme introvert that I am, I dreaded the thought of another camp after having gone for several in my high school days. It’s never comforting not having space, and I tend to prefer being in the comfort of home. The two nights were great though – playing drinking games, learning things about people, having conversations and getting pissed. I enjoyed the high elements courses and got to do the rock climbing wall which resulted in body aches and the awareness of muscles I never knew existed. I wish I had been stronger and gotten further up even though I’ve checked that off my bucket list for winter break.
According to the clinical psychologist, love is ‘unconditional positive regard’. How interesting.
Being the idiotic 21 year old that enjoys social drinking, I have somehow survived on <8 hours of sleep for the past 2 days. Here’s to not becoming a mess and getting my shit together before uni restarts.
Against all odds – driving 3 hours for the final interviews, sacrificing sleep and feeling so insecure I could die, I got the job. I am ecstatic. This is everything I could have hoped for and more. Alongside my live-in position, I would have more than enough to cover my living expenses and perhaps even save a little for my future plans. My goal at the end of last year was to get to where I am today. And I am glad that I have indeed made it.
I would be lying if I said that it isn’t daunting to be juggling my studies, live-in commitments and work. I admit that I am being greedy because I want it all – good grades, practical experience, and money. I’m not one to simply study because I feel capable of doing more. I know that I can. Or, at least I am very determined to do so. If anything, I push myself hard because I know what I want whilst recognising my limitations. But the vet was right – it is lonely to simply live to work.
I told her that I foresee 2 different futures; I would either immerse myself in work or I would be more family orientated and I suppose, chill and happy. In return I was advised to do what she didn’t do – which was to find someone/start a family when I’m still young. I find that I always get told to avoid what others regret doing especially with regards to finding a partner and settling down. ‘Just go out with friends, you know, and meet guys’. It’s not so easy when relationships seem like such big investments to make, and I have literally spent 99% of my life single and happy. How do I get to know someone? When do you know that that person is ‘the one’? I happen to hear a lot from people who have regretted. And of the wide range of females in this world, many of whom get validated for their looks or bodies, my best qualities happen to be that I like to learn, am gutsy and quite independent.
I don’t know, it feels like one of those things that I will never figure out despite the fact that I would like to live in loved-up affection all day until I die. And hopefully that outweighs feelings of responsibility and burdensome things (BAD STUFF) by far.
At the same time fuck societal expectations: it’s like what’s wrong with you, you’re 21, you’re supposed to be at your peak potential, value etc. why are you single?! why are you not dating?! Everyone else around you, 70% of your other friends are all attached what are you doing?! I don’t know man give me a break it’s not like my uterus is going to wither away and die whilst I pursue the things that make me happy. If it does then okay, no kids!
I have spent my past few days lazing, watching The Legend of Korra, perfecting my fried rice (but not really) and sleeping. I can’t get myself to complete my farm reports because I am simply lazy and hate how much work I forsee myself putting into it. I tried to read Othello but I find Shakespeare difficult to grasp. The language really tests my patience. On the bright side, uni is starting soon and I am excited to study, have challenges to work through and get money woohooo! It also means the coming of summer and beach days all day. Life is going to be good.