Isolated thoughts

Category: Uncategorized

Rabbit holes

I’m not feeling well tonight. I think it was the frozen pizza that I’d eaten too much of. Or maybe it’s the lack of sleep. I’d spent a majority of last night and the wee morning finishing up DOTS. I quite enjoyed it. And since most Korean dramas are a hit or miss with me (as I give them the first episode to convince me to watch the rest), I was pleasantly surprised. I think I just liked the combination of doctors and soldiers (because who doesn’t like a man in uniform, right?), and I just loved the characters. I don’t think I’d laughed that genuinely watching a show because a majority of the ones that I watch are full of betrayal and murder, never romantic love and comedy.

I was bored so I did some character strengths test in preparation for a camp, which is held in the middle of winter (I angst). Apparently, my top 5 “strengths” are: industry, diligence & perseverance/ judgement, critical thinking & open mindedness/ hope, optimism & future mindedness/ honesty, authenticity ¬†& genuineness/ fairness, equity & justice. I think that they are quite representative of the things that are most important to me.

Tonight was a shit night though. I feel terrible that the animals under my care are not 100% healthy and happy. I was also tired – that despite my nausea I had to clean up after a sickly/silly dog. At times like these, I really dislike my job because I don’t have to put myself through this. I really don’t. It simply reaffirms my decision to leave. Also, I have always said that if you can’t save yourself, you can’t save someone (or something) else. I don’t mind being sick or tired. I like being self-sufficient and taking care of myself, even when I let myself be a slob at times. I suppose that I just get exhausted doing it all by myself even when all I really want to do is to sleep and have someone care, even if it is only for a little bit. I think that is why people have one night stands. Either to prove something to themselves, or to feel like someone else gives a shit about them being alive. That’s the shitty part of being well and truly alone.

26.

 

Decisions

I’m not one to quit. In fact, when I look back upon it, I have never. When I wanted to give up on piano, especially when it came to grade 8 and two consecutive failures, I simply cried and tried again. I eventually passed on my third try. Trainings were the worst because we had to do 4km before even commencing skills-related exercises. And I hated it because doing those 10 rounds took about 80% of my willpower for the day. This was especially so on Saturdays when the entire world was literally not awake. And even when I felt like I was stagnating and deteriorating, I refused to give up.

But now I feel like I must. I’d entertained the idea of booking a flight back at the end of November and felt gleeful and happy. I reckon that I just want to go home. It doesn’t feel like it is the right time for me to stay. It is not that I am terribly unhappy or burnt out (yet), I just don’t want to be here and continue for now, and so it has to be this way.

I want to be able to feel completely comfortable at home and obligation-free. To go out and meet my friends for meals and movies, and do silly things like taking Honey on walks without the thought of being on duty holding me down. It is also other things: I haven’t met some of my friends for close to a year and a half and it is a pity. I haven’t been on a date, like a proper wine-dine-movie kind of date with a near stranger, in ages. I kind of liked dating and the thrill of it even though I find it a huge waste of resources at times. And even though I would very much rather spend my life in pjs and cozy sweaters, hiding away from everyone in the world, I kind of like dressing up and feeling good just because I can. It’s supposed to be a very normal thing though, isn’t it? To go on dates, learn how to talk to people and learn new things.

If I end up all alone with 3 poodles and a cat, no one can blame me for not trying because frankly speaking, I totally did. I might even be happier because animals are unconditional in their love and knowing me I’m emotionally retarded and incredibly fucked up. Maybe God just didn’t give me a partner because he’s being mean, karma and I’m perfectly fine all by myself. “I am strong and independent. I don’t need anyone!” But at the same time: the world is harsh, I am small, someone please help [small voice].

But yeah, fuck it. Come the end of sem 2, I’m going home.

25.

I couldn’t sleep for the life of me because I was toying with the thought of leaving. This was probably because I tried very hard to think of a solution which would allow me to exploit all the opportunities presented to me. It makes me feel selfish and greedy because I want things to work out the way that I want them to, even if it is at the expense of someone else. But that is what the world is, isn’t it? Opportunities have expiry dates, and time is an extremely precious commodity.

Currently, the plan is to quit at the end of the year and to return home for 3 months. I will sell everything – Marcelo, Wilbur, and all my furniture. I don’t see sacrificing 3 whole months for another year’s worth of free rent to be worth it. And I want a break too. I haven’t gotten one back at home at all. The only one that I had was last winter for a month. And even so, it was not spent well. Not at all.

Sometimes I feel like I’m too focused on my single goal – hireability at the end of 350k worth of an education. The last time I’d done normal young adult things was so long ago. Then again, I don’t think that I appreciate the things that most others do. It makes me unrelatable and cold, distant from everyone else because I grew up with a hunger for personal success and approval. The result of every single teacher telling you that you’re not good enough is a good dose of competitiveness, bitterness and anger. I’d thought about it a lot. And the only thing that really drives me is desperation as well as a hopefully unwavering belief in what I do.

I was so skeptical about a cat that we have in because I vaguely remember being warned about it. Approaching unfamiliar and unknown animals makes me wary just because of survival instincts. But it didn’t kill me so I tried rubbing its face and it started purring! So I gave it cuddles and attention because nice patients get extra love.

21!

I’d forgotten how intense 2 hour exams could be. But as I sat for my first finals yesterday I found that I did ‘fuck that I don’t know but it’s okay’ a lot more often and easily. I don’t think that there is any shame in acknowledging that one doesn’t know something. Instead, its far better to be honest and just say “look, I don’t know but I think it might be xyz, and therefore I am thinking that doing abc is good…, what do you think?” or “I’m not 100% sure, please let me check and get back to you”. And god knows but I reckon I will be doing that quite a bit in the future.

After my exams yesterday, my classmates and I went to get bubble tea. It was nice spending time with them doing something that is extremely normal – I have yet to have hung out with a bunch of Singaporeans to have a meal and chatter away for a good while. It certainly felt nice, if comforting, to be around people who have had the same upbringing that I had. Words came easy, and it was comfortable. Whilst I love my antisocial me-time, I miss such things too.

I turn 21 today, and whilst it is supposed to be a coming-of-age, I felt like I am far older and weary. I absolutely dislike my birthday because I get stressed out with exams and dealing with it being a ‘special’ day. I do not see what is so special about a single life when thousands are born every day. Insignificance is very comforting as compared to comparing, expecting and being disappointed. If I could genuinely wish for something, I think that I would like to receive flowers on my birthdays. It seems simple and silly for flowers die, but I like the sentiment. It seems romantic. I’d never gotten flowers before (what! a! shocker!!!) so I wouldn’t know, really. I suppose to be precise I would like simple flowers, and lots of love and affection on my birthdays.

Tough luck getting that, Jolyn.

/edit: I also want pancakes.

 

24.

My car stalled quite unexpectedly whilst I was trying to turn onto South Street. The asshole behind me honked and made a fuss of overtaking (c’mon old man). I overtook him later because I have to put assholes in their place. Today, I ended up washing my car and checking the engine oil to find that it was low. Looks like I’m sending my car to the mechanic’s again, which is good because I need to get it looked at before going for pracs anyway. Man, sometimes I wish I got a better car. But then I found a Groupon deal that allows me to get my car serviced and vacuumed (!!) for $79. Hallelujah. 

Now I only have to ask for a quote for an oil leak inspection, and ask if rotating the tyres are included in the $79. I don’t mind paying more since I got an online quote of $240 for all of the above. The best thing is that the mechanic’s is literally 300m away. Looks like I’m sending my car there from now on. $79 is dirt cheap I cannot believe it. Sucks that my car needs work done, but so be it it’s better than spending hundreds servicing a car that is terribly spoilt. Looks like the only trips I’ll be making for the next few days will be to uni and back on Tuesday and Thursday, and to meet the family for an early dinner on Thursday after my afternoon paper. 

Groupon is such a wonderful thing though. I was browsing it and was thinking of buying a coupon for eyebrow microblading or whatever you call it. So interesting, and so cheap. Gym memberships are cheap too! Maybe I should go and lift some weights and not look terribly skinny even though I eat a lot. I ate a 250g piece of salmon today. I’m so full ūüė¶ but I strongly believe that to be smart you gotta eat good things! So I spent $6 on 250g of salmon lmao. 

In my defence I went for a run before that and washed my car because the birds have shat on it. I deserved a good meal. I have stocked up on Doritos and chips because they were on sale this week. This morning, in an attempt to reset my sleep schedule, I woke at 8.30 to feed my patients and let the dog out. She sprinted figures of 8 around me and it makes me happy to see that she is happy. Animals bring me a lot of joy (I still highly dislike Homo sapiens though). There’s an adorable stray cat in the clinic and she’s so manja (ha, see I know my singlish!) that I would totally adopt her if not for the fact that I am unable to commit. She is completely distracting though I cannot imagine having her as a study companion. Give me honey any day! 

I had a nice conversation with my Mom as well. And being the slightly vain person that I am I told her to bring over some spf 130 sunblock because I need it for my face. I have things to discuss with my Mom when she’s here. Serious business. And I also have to think about the next time I’m going home. It doesn’t seem like it’s going to happen anytime soon. If anything, I tell myself that I’ll be back next December for a whole 2 weeks. And it doesn’t make sense to fly back on a whim. 

Things

I wanted to stop and listen to a song whilst walking out of the mall because I liked it. I also wanted to stay in my car to listen to it on the radio because it came on just as I was pulling up at home. I was hungry at 10pm so I ate prata. I decided that I shall leave my live-in position come end 2019 and the end of 4th year because I want and deserve a break. I think that I have sacrificed and tried hard enough. I called the farmer and it was a jilted and uncoordinated conversation on how to get there. I have to drive 208km north to see 8,000 sheep, 4 beef cattle and 2 pigs. He told me that I could come on Sunday if I wanted to spend Saturday night with my boyfriend, and I laughed. I probably should have taken up his offer even though it would be a lie. I still don’t know how to get there but I don’t mind.

On my run I was almost bitten by a dog. It made me wonder who would be at fault since I was running on the sidewalk past the house which I rationalised to be public property. The gate was not locked but I was merely passing by. I figured that if it did bite me I would sue them for having such a vicious little shit.

My family is coming in less than a week. I’m not sure what’s in store but I have 70% and 55% riding on my multiple examinations on Tuesday and Thursday. I can’t quite fathom how I’d gotten this far, really. I still remember sitting on the pavement and frantically trying to memorise bony prominences and muscles. They make a lot more sense now. I’d just lost the motivation to push myself to the fullest because less than 100% seems to be enough for now.

So much for being the best that I can be.

Deliberations 

I am wondering if I should shift to another platform…I find myself having sporadic bursts of creativity and phases where I just need an outlet. I have many pictures too, which makes me wonder if I should make the switch to dayre. Maintaining two would be too much, which makes me hesitate because this site has been the sole one for a whole 3+ years. I like its privacy but I will eventually delete it or lock it up when I am about to graduate because I don’t find it compatible with my chosen career. Not unless I write about my cases but even so, it is not something that I want.

I write because of my introversion and to sort out the billions of thoughts that race through my mind. This is because I often easier to leave things unsaid in real life. I also like to practice expressing myself in a non-academic way. Writing is a wonderful exercise where I get to play with words. And reading is another joyous complement. I love literature and poetry, and that is why I write about my own experiences even though a vast majority are still sensored and polite. 

Today, I made a major decision that I shall pursue next year. I still have some convincing and research to do, but otherwise I feel relatively confident that I can carry it out. I predict that it will be difficult, but I want it badly. And we all know that when it comes to things that I want, I don’t quite give up. 

I have a problem. I’ve started a new series and I can’t stop watching it. I’m currently at episode 10, which means that I’ve 8 more to go. And I’ve literally completed these 10 episodes in a day. So much for being studious. But in my defence, I drove to school on a public holiday for an interview, and then studied very diligently, completing my scheduled tasks for the day before binging on 5 episodes straight.

And therefore, I shall reward myself with more when I complete my schedule for tomorrow again.

I was reading an article on how young couples are applying for BTOs and that started the whole ‘shit what am I doing with my life’ slippery slope that I go down when I think about it. People my age – granted, I don’t turn 21 for a few more¬†days, are committing to one of the greatest purchases of their lives. And here I am struggling through the shitloads of information that I need to be a measly vet. I am literally spending the amount of money needed to buy a home¬†on my education and that makes me want to laugh because it’s ridiculous. I will be 24.5 years old when I finally finish, and still, that does not mean that I will get hired. My salary will be comfortable to live on but not exceptionally great despite my qualifications. Like, why bother? I could’ve settled for some other course and be halfway through at this rate. I also could’ve continued giving tuition and working other jobs to earn money whilst studying. I wish I wasn’t so bent on studying vet sometimes. Life would’ve been much easier, and cheaper, if I had done something else. If I were given another shot I would probably choose to be a divorce lawyer. I’d even get to dress nicely without the fear of dirtying my clothes with strange body fluids. How wonderful.

Then again I think that I really needed to get out of Singapore. I had to get out of a country that really was¬†stifling the 19 year old me, and I need my 3.5 years more to see things from a different perspective. I don’t quite regret leaving, and neither do I hesitate about¬†giving up many time and geographically-sensitive relationships. Sometimes I wish that I’d decided to leave sooner. Time flies though. I was 19 when I left and now I’m going to turn 21 in about 10 days time. I’m still in my little bubble of studies, live-in responsibilities, staying alive and finding little adventures to go on. I wonder if working life would be the same. I think it would. I predict that it would be work and home, and whatever social events and gatherings that happen if I have any friends. And even when one settles down, it does seem very much the same. It’s just that the settings change – new workplaces, new homes, but still the bubble of one’s routine life. Work, social life and home. The bubble might expand eventually to encompass more people – new friends, kids etc. But wow, that is literally life.

Sometimes I wish that WA snowed. Just so that I can run outside and do snow angels in the backyard. I think that waking up to snow covered grounds would be a lovely thing. It makes me want to go back to Japan or just anywhere, really, where I can stomp through snow and throw snowballs at whoever is with me. Then run into a warm shop for food and a hot drink before bracing the cold again. Wishes though, not reality.

Then again, because I am an asshole, I thought – “why spend 500k on a house (in a relationship with someone I can never be 100% sure about because people do break up) when I can spend it on something infinitely more important and certain, on myself”