Isolated thoughts

43

I always feel quite amazed whenever I think of how far I’ve come from the start of this year. 3 years feels like a long way to go, but I’m just 5 weeks away from completing two and it feels good. There is an end to this, and I might not be running so hard to stay in the same place after all.

This week has been great. I did some extracurricular dissections, had a great night with my friends over home-cooked Japanese food and made decent chawanmushi. Today I went for a hike and did a good 5km loop trail, going off the known track and am still alive. I wish for more weeks to be like it.

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42.

I almost got scammed whilst trying to sell my car. People suck.

41.

This evening I reached my car on autopilot mode and had a cold slice of pizza from the free one I managed to snag from the common room. I was hungry and incredibly drained for I had spent the previous two nights getting up at 4am for work. Up to today I still do not regret my work, and I find it incredibly rewarding. But I always wonder if there is a better alternative; a more carefree and yet beneficial position to have but I think that I am doing okay.

Someone asked me if I have cried over my studies before and I said that I hadn’t. Simply because I had entered this year mentally prepared for the jump from the first, and I had experienced the worst kind of helplessness and prevailed. This is not to say that I don’t experience any stress at all; that’s a lie. I still study and try but I do not beat myself up over things that I do not know, and neither do I panic at the thought of learning what appears to be an insurmountable amount of information. And hell, if a competitive streak keeps me in the game I’d play it to my best.

Instead, I think I cry over the more sentimental things. Beneath the usual coldness and apathy lie my sensitive and human bits. And I cry when I feel sad, when people cry over their losses and when I am tired.

I just wish to not feel tired all the time.

39 + 40

I have decided to combine two weeks’ updates into one, for I genuinely do not have the time or the energy. My 2.5 hour drive was a safe albeit exhausting one. And I came back to hundreds of notifications, the horror.

I have spent the past week on a farm with absolutely no connection to the world, in which I find relief. I have had the time to mull over the past, run away from the present, sleep for 9 hours every night and dream vividly. I have even managed to read a book in the midst of it. The days here are hard but are fantastic; I feel more confident in my sheep handling abilities than I’ve been in ages. And to think that it has only been a little over a year since I have first learnt how to handle them. Now, I catch flyblown sheep from a herd of 200, tip each and every one I need to and wrestle them about. But I still get soft over the lambs, think of their perspective when they get shorn and pity the poor animals sometimes. I don’t get too caught up over how each and every animal is treated. And I like the gore and am realistic to a fault. But I still find myself feeling great empathy for these animals – maybe this is the right career path for me after all.

I’ve had the most vivid and imaginative dreams; I can’t figure out if I welcome them or not. Or maybe I just don’t really care because I’m too tired trying to live my life to bother letting myself continue to feel hurt about failures. And to ponder or daydream about situations and possibilities that frankly seem impossible because I have learnt, more than anyone, to be hard and incredibly sensible and realistic.

When the television ads come on for some kind of diet milkshake, I said that I didn’t like the ad for it portrayed female figures that are impossible to obtain for the everyday woman. And that it made me take a hit to the self esteem. I do not doubt that I am skinny and not (too) hideous. But literally every other female in the room agreed with me, that it made them feel like shit. I hate how a bit of my mind wonders if — it is because I am not beautiful enough, or born with a lack of femininity. But I think that it is about time I gave my soul a break from the toxicity of the world and just lived according to my rules for a bit.

This week was a wonderful escape from the general shit fest of the world. And I am glad that I got to spend it this way. Also, surprise surprise, I did not study a bit for the past week. Or think about uni in general. This is incredibly liberating but I don’t quite welcome going back to society for just a bit longer. I wish.

38.

In 9 years, I think that I would like to live the white picket fence dream. And I hope that I get wrinkles in the corners of my eyes, and smile most of the time.

36.

There has been a recent cold front despite the fact that it is now officially spring. And lo and behold, I awoke on Thursday to no wifi; I have literally spent 72 hours without it, and to be very honest it is not too bad to be disconnected from the world at all. I feel relieved, even, being uncontactable unless I so desired. I’d even forgotten to check Facebook, which is the go-to information site for all my going-ons in Perth.

My study break has been spent lazing, studying, going to the gym and doing stupid shit like getting a pair of guinea pigs. They are currently residing in an old drawer in my tiny room and I hope that I don’t die from an allergy overload. I have had a rather busy week – I haven’t had a quiet night in quite as long. But despite the erratic sleep schedule and walking dogs at 4am, it certainly felt rewarding seeing my charges get better and be discharged. At the same time, the sad irony is that despite all good intentions some efforts come in vain. I feel frustrated; but such is life. If there is anything my most pointless and hopelessly painful experiences have taught me it is that individual efforts don’t really matter in the big clusterfuck of the universe. And that it is okay to give up – on the things or people that are not meant to be.

What I really desire at the moment is for my wifi to come back on so that I can resume my idiosyncratic exploration on Tinder. Bored? Swipe right. Need attention? Chat somebody up. If only we approached something as inexplicably irrational as love and relationships with the same rationality we use to govern all other parts of our lives.

35.

I find myself more exhausted than not these days. And I am so drained that I keep wondering if it is sustainable to go on this way because it feels extremely futile to try at all. I just want to help people, and animals, but I think that I forget to help myself at times too.

 

34.

If we stay stagnant as the people we were, life would be dull indeed.

This week I ran a bad session, had a fantastic one and then somehow managed to survive parasitology lab. We ran faecal smears which were really stinky, and it was fun trying to taxonomically identify random objects. I went on a date, and somehow ran into an old friend along the way. I woke early and spent my weekend catching up with friends, cleaning and organising my life. Also, I finally got approval to go home over summer. Which is fantastic news!

33.

This week was a week of many firsts for me. I started gymming regularly, attending group fitness sessions that have pushed me beyond whatever I have done in the past year. Also, on the work related front I have officially conducted my first ever group study sessions which is very exciting, but quite daunting because I worry that what I planned was not beneficial to my attendees. I do think that it went well though, for they seemed engaged and willing to come back next week. I take that as a tiny step in the right direction, for facilitation and running group sessions has never been my thing. I’ve always been too shy, too quiet to actually have any presence and command attention but I seem to have been going okay.

List of random life tips I’ve gathered from this week:

  • Just do the fucking dishes. Don’t wait any longer because chances are it just gets more disgusting the longer you leave it in the sink. Also, it just takes 2 minutes so get it done and out of the way!
  • If you are anal about eating fresh fruit and vegetables because of cleanliness (i.e. like me), buy bananas or mandarins because then you don’t have to worry about eating stuff that parasites have been/are on.
  • To avoid bad traffic and getting angry, make your trip in the early morning or night. Driving at night always feels great because literally the whole strip of highway is yours, and the lights turn in your favour that much quicker.
  • Always try to reach out to/be grateful for your community. The cleaners opposite the road told the nurses that some creeps were peeking into my car. Then they told me to park my car in the locked compound because it’s clearly unsafe. God knows how poor I’ll be from replacing a broken window if someone tried to break into my poor little Marcelo.
  • Also: don’t ever give in. Don’t compromise, don’t bend over backwards for anyone. Don’t lower your standards thinking that it might lead to an end point that you desire. It won’t, ever. Life is easier when you live without heart.

And that is all. I’ve been trying to be mindful, appreciating nice sunsets and rainbows when I see them. Waking up in the middle of the night because of a bad storm is no longer that terrible anymore.

32.

“Perth is like a nice girlfriend. You don’t appreciate her until she’s gone.” – Someone who moved back to Singapore

I find myself irritated with my living situation more often than not. Deleted Instagram because I hated seeing things I didn’t want to see. I’ve recently gotten a gym membership at the university gym, and have been determined to work out. Whilst that means waking at 6.30am to reach the gym for a 7.30am session, and then attending 4 lectures back to back till afternoon before lab, it feels good to do whatever the hell I want.

I find myself finding reasons to avoid going home more often than not. Whilst I appreciate the easy access to cases and having people answer my most mundane questions, I feel tired of being at the mercy of someone else. All I want to do is to get my own place, or move into a more luxurious place.

One day.