Isolated thoughts

2. Alternatives

Recently, I’ve been thinking about how life would be like in another universe. What if I’d not chosen to focus my efforts in Perth, and instead in Singapore? Would I be lazing my summer away at home, close to whatever friends and family I have but without purpose and ambition? But enough about ‘what ifs’ about a parallel universe in which I retain some idiotic optimism about the prospect of a career in Singapore. More recently, I’ve been considering what I want in my future.

I would wish for stability and love. To wake up in someone else’s arms and roll out of bed with lots of time to cook breakfast and do domestic things. I would like a poodle or poodle-cross-something. And it should have a companion, which the imaginary partner can choose because I’m cool with anything. A fluffy black cat with intriguing green eyes would be a nice addition, and two kids (preferably boys) might be alright. But in this case, I am isolated and it is impossible for such a situation to occur in SG because I imagine a temperate climate, lots of space to run around and homey architecture.

More realistically, I shall struggle to pursue my career and bring it to the greatest heights I could possibly bring it to. I will probably reach 30 before I know it and panic about being 30 and alone. This might involve a shotgun marriage of some sort given that, fingers crossed, I am attractive enough to be snapped up then. And I just hope that I do not lose sight of my ultimate goal.

But enough of what-ifs – because I have clearly chosen. And I chose to run away.

Add on: I have realized that the only things I feel confident making in the kitchen are fried eggs, salmon, mashed potatoes, japanese curry and aglio olio. Lord save me. Also, mulling over the idea of a tattoo. Hm.


1. Tumultuous

I’ve been feeling raw and upset due to a few situations regarding work and I just need to get it off my chest. I’m very grateful that my mother still video calls me on the regular despite juggling a full-time job and keeping a house in order. God knows how she video called me every single night when I was at my most tumultuous state. And hence I’ve had her guidance on how to handle these rather delicate matters because my initial reaction is extreme frustration and anger and it would’ve meant a confrontational and aggressive way of dealing with it.

I just feel so incredibly frustrated that despite all my hard work and effort, having done nothing wrong, that screw-ups of this sort exist. It’s more work and it stresses me out for it directly affects me – and frankly speaking I do not think that I deserve this. Not after driving 3 hours in the dark to get to uni for a training workshop where my position wasn’t guaranteed. Racking up 1200kms in the span of a week and almost falling asleep at the wheel because I was just so damn exhausted. Not after sacrificing compulsory lesson time to help others. And not after having done everything by the book and professionally. I am sincerely praying for everything to be settled the way I hope for it to be tomorrow. Please.

Whilst everything is now almost all settled with work, I’ve just had the worst 24 hours in the longest while. I feel terrible. And I am doubting myself a lot right now, feeling like I’m walking on eggshells. I really wish I would just cry and get everything out of my system but it’s not happening and I wonder when I would snap.

On the bright side, yesterday was good hanging out with friends, gymming and going window shopping. I quite like going to the mall with people who shop a lot because it’s refreshingly exhilarating to go around trying on clothes, especially the styles you never thought you’d pull off in your life. I reckon it satisfies the vainest bits of me whenever I find something that looks really damn good on me but my practical side prevented me from blowing a hundred bucks on an evening outfit because I live the poor student life. Maybe if it goes on sale in about 2 months.

Of resolutions

I spent my new year anti-climatically motion sick, tossing in bed and working on an animal that would inadvertently be put to sleep. It was sad, and I decided that I would never knowingly purchase an animal with a severe breed disposition towards certain diseases unless I was personally capable of ensuring otherwise. I wrote my first sympathy card and also watched Howl’s Moving Castle which has got to be one of my favourite animated movies ever.

On the bright side, I am quite financially comfortable at the moment, which is a relief for someone supporting their living expenses by themselves. Whilst lazing around watching While You Were Asleep and now Love O2O (in a desperate attempt to improve my Chinese and also because the leads are perfect – I am fangirling), I now feel well rested enough and ready to take on year 3. I’ve decided that I shall attempt to save $5k this year, improve my Chinese, give my all in my studies, whilst taking the time to care for myself and the people around me. I am also determined to put more effort into cooking different cuisines – like how I made kimchi fried rice for the very first time today, doing my laundry properly and keeping the apartment clean because a good environment does wonders for my overall mood. Also, I will try my best to curb FOMO and learn how to say no whilst also making sure that I do take time off to enjoy myself when I’m not at uni.

Overall, the endless jostling and repositioning myself in this long, arduous race continues. But I will pursue this with a renewed sense of vigour and with slightly more wisdom and a bit of relief for I have come further than I have ever expected thus far with good grades, a comfortable place to learn and live for free and well-paying jobs that contribute to my resume. I also like to think that I have grown more comfortable in my own skin and become slightly vainer in a good way i.e. wearing girlier *chokes* things on the regular even though to be very honest I’ve only recently purchased a handful of new clothes when they were all on sale and ~5 bucks.

On this subject of vanity, I was very struck by the scene in Howl’s Moving Castle where Sophie has an outburst saying “So you think you’ve got it bad? I’ve never once been beautiful in my entire life!”. I feel that every day I wake up to frizzy hair, stubby limbs, less than elegant features and frustratingly blurry sight to the extent that I will not be able to see a loved one’s face even though they’re right beside me. So, lastly, I resolve to love myself more this year, all broken and ugly bits included, and treat myself the way I would like to be.


2017 has got to be the best year thus far.

Jan – March

I spent January settling into my new place, learning the ropes and sorting things out for my farm pracs that would begin in the latter part of the month. I bought my first car – little Marcelo and it hasn’t let me down as of yet. Come end January would see me get one of my best pets: little Thumper the cottontail bunny. Unfortunately, I lost him a month after just as uni restarted as he was free range and ran away.

Farm pracs were good – I’d cleared 3 weeks in total at a dairy, reptile & wildlife park and at a polo pony place. It was exhausting work but a good learning experience. In hindsight I wish I had known more before I’d gone on some of them. But I am glad that I cleared so many weeks that fast.

Uni began and I felt incredibly overwhelmed with the amount of information we had to learn. Year 2 was a totally different ball game as compared to year one; there is literally little to no break when you have classes on every single day. And consistency is key.

I flew back to Singapore and to Bangkok for a short getaway during my Easter break. It was a well deserved one, and I felt happy to be back. I’d come up with this idea that going back for short trips was the best as it only gives you just enough time to meet everyone that matters. And I decided that I would not work myself up with half-hearted offers to meet nor failed plans because I literally do not need them. I also got my first stethoscope!

April – June 

I found that I was terribly allergic to guinea pigs when a whole bunch of them were brought into the room and I started tearing badly. I’d also bought my next pet – Wilbur and sold him eventually as I was being a stingy asshole and have commitment issues. April was quite mellow and chill overall as I clearly do not have any significant pictures.

I received an award for academic excellence in May. It wasn’t special as pretty much half the vet cohort got it, but it still felt good to go on stage to collect it and see my name on the list of high achieving students. It also felt good to dress up in literally my one and only little black dress and spam alcohol and doughnuts because I deserve it.

Exam season came in June. I turned 21 and spent half the day crying because I was feeling sorry for myself and in between 2 important papers. My family came to visit and it felt so strange driving to meet them at a shopping mall, subsequently blowing $200+ at Coles and eating at the pizza place opposite the clinic. We went on a road trip down to Margaret River, Denmark and Albany before heading back up. It was great, if cold. I can’t wait for the day I road trip with a significant other. I have decided that my perfect idea of a holiday would be somewhere cold and where there is a chance of snow because it’ll be so romantic.

July – September

I had 2 farm pracs in the winter break: a goat farm and a sheep farm. Both involved baby kids and lambs so you can imagine how stoked I was. I also spent the rest of my winter holidays potating at home and spam watching shows. It was a good break before semester 2 would begin.

In August I started casually dating again. I got to go strawberry picking, hiking, watching the cherry blossoms bloom and do a lot of things that I wouldn’t have otherwise. If anything it was good to test the waters again, and I feel more comfortable and confident about dating again.

Semester 2, on the other hand, was a nightmare of epic proportions. I didn’t have a great interest in half of the content we were being taught and struggled immensely. I also started my job as a PASS leader and felt happy that I was feeling fulfilled and seeing results. As I’d wanted to be fit I also started gymming and was pleased to see some results. I also made some pretty good friends in vet school, all of whom I am grateful for.

October – December

It was exam season and it was terrible 2 weeks and 7 papers. To be honest, now that I’ve emerged triumphant on the other side it wasn’t that bad. But it was a struggle through and through and I feel fortunate that I’ve somehow managed to do even better than I had in semester 1.

I went home for the second time this year and it was legitimately the best trip back that I’ve had. I officially completed all my farm placements and met with all my friends. Now I am currently back in Perth working, saving up and hopefully inching ever forward and learning more. I just honestly wish to graduate and find a good place to work for my first job. And save, and hopefully ‘make it’, in all aspects – professionally, relationship-wise and finally finding a permanent place to call home.


I miss getting tipsy on cheap alcohol, late night drives with the cool air keeping me awake, hanging out with my friends and loving and being loved. It makes me slightly nostalgic for early year 1. If there is anything that I long for I wish to be more at peace with my decisions and to finally surround myself with people that really ‘get’ me. But longing is simply wishful thinking for things that are currently not in your favor, and the logical part of my mind says that it is stupid to even keep such thoughts alive.

Nevertheless, I’ve been good and haven’t unwrapped some presents prematurely so I have some stuff to unwrap on Christmas day. I even upgraded to a iPhone 6 plus which is terribly big for my little hands but oh well, I am thankful anyway. For however far I’ve come with fantastic grades, great jobs and just one more year to my degree, and less than 3 more till my DVM and when I finally become Dr Jo.

Update: I will finally spend my Christmas in Singapore in 2018. *spazz* Time to buy Honey loads of little elf costumes and make use of my precious month back home before the impending doom that is trimesters and year 4 & 5 happen.

I blew all my hard earned cash today basically treating myself because I’ve worked hard and I jolly well deserve to feel like a million bucks.

On getting fired

My first ever job at the age of 17 was being a casual banquet attendant. It was hard work and paid shittily at only $8/h but I often worked with friends which made the whole ordeal more bearable. On my last day at work, I somehow smashed 18 ceramic coffee cups due to a mistake – I’d thought that trying to open the door whilst carrying two cratefuls of cups would save me time. And so I dropped one and nearly all the cups shattered. Luckily I got away with it as my coworkers helped me cover it up.

As of late, I’d found a job working at a dim sum place for some extra cash because I figured that it beats bumming around during the day. The pay was shit but I did it anyway. And because I am a klutz and am admittedly slow when I try to be careful, I often got scolded by the boss that played games on his iPad whilst everyone else was in a tizzy. I basically felt exploited because I was expected to hard sell ridiculously marked up drinks and I was not entitled to a single moment of not doing anything. And I was getting angry at how they were telling me off for things that were beyond my control.

I am not slow if the entire restaurant has about 12 tables going and only 2 staff scrambling to seat, serve and clean up after. And because I was klutzy and stressing over being scolded I’d accidentally dropped a glass cup yesterday. Today I did the same mistake again – not from handling the cups incorrectly but through sheer carelessness and I think the boss was about to scream. So I basically cleaned up the shards, was given some cash and was told that I need not come back again. And I think that I’m supposed to feel like shit for not even being able to work at a shady restaurant (the lowest of the low) but I don’t feel remorseful at all. Which is why the boss was even that angry, I think.

Anyway, that was how I got fired from the lousiest place I’ve ever worked at because I broke a glass cup and I think it was simply because I didn’t give a fuck, was not deferent enough to the boss and hated it. Sucks to not have some extra cash but that gig was one that I do not need. And I have learnt my lesson to never again work at a Chinese-run restaurant because f&b is clearly not for me.

51. One more day

I find the thought of ‘if I had one more day I would…’ to be filled with a lot longing and one’s innermost desires. Whenever I reflect on the past I find myself wishing I had done things differently. And given the chance, I can think of quite a few situations which, had they been altered, could have changed my present quite drastically.

But the thought of only having one more day to live is one I find most titillating. My inner hedonist would run wild. Whilst I would think that I won’t know what I would like to do, I actually do.

I told my mom that I wanted to run a full marathon next year. I probably just want bragging rights and to do it for the experience and the medal. Also the shirt.



I don’t think anyone gets it – when you’re so in tune with your dog and it’s your one and only constant source of comfort after every shit day in the world. Leaving Singapore sucks every single time because I feel like shit for leaving her behind. And she mopes for the next few days because she realises that I’m not going to come back for a long time. Until I come back and she refuses to let me out of her sight for the next 3 days. I think that I will be incredibly broken when she leaves me behind. Of every living being in this world, I think that I genuinely care for this silly poodle the most.

Update: Watched my first c-section, caught the puppy and it is alive!

Of leaving

The past few times I’ve been back I’ve felt more eager to leave than anything. Something has changed this time – I find the idea going back slightly dreadful and have actually quite enjoyed my short stay in sunny little Singapore.

It has been the loveliest time spent with horses, riding, eating, playing darts, trying and failing to drink and with my dog. If there was anything that I wish for I wish that I had more time for myself but that will come when I get back to Australia. I might also wish for more of a reason to come back but not really, I’m okay with where most things stand.

Life certainly feels like lots of little sojourns weaved together. I have always wished for more consistency in the people I have in my life but this is where it stands when you’re only in SG for a good 3/52 weeks of the year. Not that I’m friendless – I’ve my regular core individuals/groups that I meet every single time I’m back regardless of circumstance; I just hate investing in more temporary ones.

Seeing me pack makes Honey sad. I know that she knows what is coming but saying goodbye is something I forbid myself to do because goodbyes mean that we will be separated forever.




4 more days in Singapore doesn’t seem like quite enough time but it will have to do for now. I miss having confidants that I can talk honestly to: about pursuing dreams, hopes for the future and trivial shit. Conclusions – I am a terrible drinker in the sense that alcohol makes me feel like shit if hell bold, life is incredibly unfair and relationships just aren’t going to work for the next 9 years or so. In the recent years, I have only ever felt truly excited once in the process of texting, and I just feel incredibly disinterested and cynical about the whole dating shebang because of the shitload of possible incompatibilities that come with dreams and being me.

Don’t get me wrong, I’d love more than anything to get my own place and decorate it and clearly, if that is to ever happen in SG I need a partner. In the past week working with children and horses alike I have found the thought of having kids quite favourable as well. And hence I have decided that I will not settle for breadcrumbs when I want cake, and I will never make the mistake of giving my all if the other party doesn’t feel the same way.